Skip to main content

Genesis 9: Drinking, Animals, Nudity

Image result for Noah drunk
Dad's drunk and naked.  Again.


Soon after promising to never again to kill off all life, God realized how imprudent this was and gave himself an out.  To the Noah family He then said, “You know, when I said the other day that I wouldn’t kill humanity off again, I just meant I wouldn’t do it by flood.  You got that, right?”

“Sure, Lord, whatever You say,” said Noah.

“All right, then: that’s the promise.  You be careful now.  And you’d better take care of all my creatures.  I’m watching you.”

“Lord?” asked Noah.

“Yes?”

“Where’d those penguins come from?  And where’d they go?  They were cute.”

“Never mind.  And if any of you write about this story, don’t mention them.  Or the kangaroos.  Or the llamas.”

“Why not, Lord?”

“Don’t ‘why not’ Me!  I am the Lord, thy God!  That should be enough!  Now dig this rainbow.  Whenever you see this, remember that it means that I’m not going to kill you all.  By flood.”

“All right, Lord,” said Noah’s family.

Noah’s sons went on to reproduce.  Ham did well enough that he fathered a whole nation, called Canaan.  Noah went into farming, and became the first tiller of the soil—unless you count Cain, who never thought to lay claim to the title “First Tiller of the Soil.”  Noah was a much better self-promoter.

Noah planted grapes and made lots of wine.  He enjoyed the wine a little bit more than he should, and would get drunk and naked and pass out.  Noah’s sons learned to put up with this, but tried to be discrete.  One night after Noah had collapsed after a particularly wild bender, Ham saw Noah naked and told his brothers about it.  The three brothers then slipped into Noah’s tent to put his coat over him so he wouldn’t die of hypothermia.  Apparently Noah was embarrassed that Ham had seen him naked, and provoked by a raging hangover, he tore into Canaan, swearing that he wanted to see Ham’s brothers wreck the country at Ham’s expense.  This abuse would have been intolerable if Noah’s boys had to tolerate it for a long time, but as it turned out this only went on for 350 more years, so time just flew.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Halley's Comet Panic of 1910

If you were around in 1986, you might remember the excitement surrounding the return of Halley’s Comet.  Halley’s Comet hadn’t been seen since 1910, and 76 years later, it was getting ready to make another pass by Earth.  Many who were excited probably wound up feeling a little disappointed. I’ll admit I was. I was sixteen, and was eager to see a bright ball in the sky with a burning tail lighting up the night.  All we got to see was a small, faint, comet-shaped light in the sky. It turned out that in 1986, the comet passed when the Earth was on the other side of the sun, so there wasn’t much to look at. We knew it was coming, though.  We’ve known this since 1705, when Edmond Halley predicted the comet would return on Christmas night, 1758.  Halley died in 1742, so he never got to see that he was correct—but he was correct. Halley’s calculations show that the comet will pass by Earth every 74 to 79 years, and these passes are predictable. When Halley’s Comet isn’t near Earth, …

Kick the Football, Charlie Brown

For nearly the entire run of Charles Schulz's Peanuts comic strip, one running gag has been the football gag.  The gag is simple: Lucy Van Pelt kneels down on the grass, holding a football in place, and tells Charlie Brown to kick it.  Charlie Brown gets a good running start, ready to give it a good, solid kick, but at the last minute, Lucy pulls it away.  The final panel usually has a miserable Charlie Brown laying on the ground while Lucy looks over him, holding the football, telling him in one way or another that he obviously shouldn't have trusted her.
The gag first appeared on November 14, 1951, when the strip was just over a year old.  In the first occurrence, the football was not held by Lucy but by Violet Gray, another little girl in Charlie Brown’s neighborhood.  (Violet would later become a minor character in the strip, and Lucy would become a major one.Lucy wouldn’t appear in the strip until the following year.)  The first football gag is quite a bit different from w…