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Showing posts with the label Abram

Genesis 17: Circumcision for All You Boys

God said to Abram, “Down on your knees, boy!” so Abram dropped.  “I want to talk to you about something.  I got big things in mind.” “What’s that, my Lord?” asked Abram. “What I’m thinking is that I want to put you in charge of everyone in Canaan, so sooner or later you’re going to have to drive all the locals out, I guess.  I want to make you fertile and have a whopping number of children.  You’re going to be the ancestor of kings and nations and the like.  Sound good?” “Sounds good so far, yes.” “All I ask is that you get circumcised…” “I knew there was a catch in there somewhere—“ “Quiet!  Now I’m asking you to get circumcised, and get all your friends to get circumcised, and that you make sure every male who’s eight days old get circumcised.  Otherwise, they’re out.  Get it?” “Sure.  But do You really think the guys are going to go for this circumcision?” “Tell them that I said to do it, and they’ll do anything.  You’d be surprised.  Also: you and the missus are going to have t

Genesis 16: An Interesting Job for the Maid

Abram and his wife, Sarai, wanted kids but couldn’t have them.  Since there were no fertility clinics anywhere nearby, Sarai decided the only way to save the marriage was to do what would destroy a lesser marriage: Abram was to have sex with the maid.  The maid’s name was Hagar, a lovely name by ancient Egyptian standards, and proved to be much more fertile than Sarai.  Hagar got pregnant quickly and started to get uppity with Sarai.  Sarai blamed Abram, who was in a great position.  He told Sarai, “You told me to sleep with her.  This is all your fault.  I’m blameless.  Now go get me another beer.”  Thus the problem was resolved. Sarai’s problem was not resolved, though, so she dealt with it the best way she knew how: she started heaping abuse on Hagar, who eventually got so fed up with the situation, she ran off.  While running off, a messenger of God appeared before her and told her to go back to work and all the abuse that work entails.  “When my Boss is in a bad mood,” said the

Genesis 14-15: Completely Empty Land for Abram to Settle In

The bustling town of Sodom. After God gave Abram this land, peace reigned, except for the dozen or so kings who were at war with each other.   To fund their wars, Sodom was pillaged, and Lot land was cleaned out of its livestock and its women, leaving only a vacant… a vacant… well, I just can’t think of the right word here, but basically, he was broke.   When Uncle Abram found out about this, he raised a militia and went to get it back.   He did get it, too, except for the percentages he doled out to everyone he met who worshiped the same God he did.   When the king of Sodom asked not for goods but for people, Abram turned him down flat. God liked the way Abram snubbed the king of Sodom.   “I keep telling you, Abram,” said God, “this nation thing is going to work out.   I’m going to come down hard of the king of Sodom, but you, you’re getting all this land, which is completely empty except for ten nations of people who are already living there—but who’s counting?”

Genesis 12-13: How to Get Government Aid

The happy couple on their road trip west of Eden. This is a story that starts with temptation.   However, since it was God who was doing the tempting, no one generally speaks ill of it.   The temptation was this: “Abram, get out of town and I’ll give you a nation that no one will ever speak ill of without suffering for having done so, and that no one will do harm to without suffering for it.”   Since it’s always a good idea to listen to someone who claims that God told him to get a crowd of people together and head out into the desert, Abram had no trouble getting a nice crowd around him.   And at age 75, he was in the prime of his life, all set to wander around the desert. The destination was Canaan, which was to be the land of the Israelites.   The Israelites would be the true inheritors of this land, because no one else was living there.   Except the Canaanites.   At this time, though, the Israelites were still the Hebrews, ready to take the promised land by kicking o