"The Banishment of Hagar and Ishmael" by Adriaen van der Werff Yahweh made good on His promise and Sarah had her son right on time, despite her age and the lack of in vitro facilities in the Negev.   Abraham got to name him, obviously, since only a man would come up with a name like Isaac.   Abraham, something of a micromanager, also decided it should be up to him to circumcise the boy, and at eight days, he did it.   No parent in their right mind would trust a hundred-year-old man to serve as a mohel, but Abraham was enough of a control freak that he wasn’t bothered by this in the least.   Sarah, who was around her brother/husband Abraham’s age, was over the moon, and told as many people as she could. Sarah nursed Isaac, and on the day Isaac was to start solid food exclusively, Abraham threw a banquet, and everyone had fun.   This was a problem, because one of the people who had fun was Ishmael, the son Abraham had had with Hagar the slave girl, whom Sara

Before anything else burned to the ground, Abraham decided to clear out of Mamre.  He headed for the Negev Desert, because how’s anyone going to burn down a desert?  Following some bad maps, he headed to a spot between Kadesh and Shur, a nice little community called Gerar.  Still, Abraham didn’t much trust the locals, and felt safer telling them that Sarah was his sister and not his wife.  King Abimelech of Gerar asked to have Sarah brought to him, because kings can do that with unmarried women, so this little white lie of Abraham’s was going to lead to trouble, even though no one really understood why he’d feel the need to lie about this in the first place.  Yahweh turned up in Abimelech’s dream some time after this and told him, “You’re going to die, ‘cause that new piece of chattal you took is a married woman.  Big mistake!”  Abimelech didn’t think this was fair, because he hadn’t yet laid a hand on her.  “Lord, what’s the deal?  Why would You kill someone for something he didn’t

Sodom & Gomorrah: Urban renewal, Biblical style It's Thursday!  That means it's time for another chapter of the Bible, rewritten because, well... it just reads better this way!  Enjoy! Lot was hanging out by the gate of Sodom where he met two angels.  He promptly stood up and bowed down.  “Please stay over at my place so I can wash your feet and you can get an early start tomorrow on your trip.”  As tempting an offer as it is to have a strange man grovel in front of you and beg to wash your feet in his house, the angels said, “No, we’ll just sleep in the town square.”  Could the town square at night really be less dangerous than the house of a guy with a foot fetish?  In Sodom, your chances were about 50/50.  But Lot, knowing that the sure way to get what you want is to keep on wheedling, eventually got them to come over and made them dinner. They were still up when the house was surrounded by the locals, by every man in town.  “Lot!” they cried.  “Where are those g

Is there something unusual about these three guys? One day in his town of Mamre, while Abraham was resting under an oak tree, contemplating his new name, three guys showed up.  Recognizing that these were Yahweh’s employees, Abraham offered him his best accommodations (that’s to say his spot under the oak tree) and offered them something to eat and drink, which they accepted. “Sarah!” Abraham called, running inside the family tent.  “I need you to make three quick loaves of bread, right now!” “’Three quick loaves of bread’?  Abeleh, I don’t think you understand how baking works…”  But Abraham was already off to the livestock to get some curds and to select a calf, which he ordered a servant to cook for them, also quickly.  It was Abraham who set about bringing this impromptu picnic to the oak tree, where Yahweh’s agents had been waiting patiently. “So, where’s the little lady?” asked the agents. “In the tent,” answered Abraham.  “You want me to go get her?” “D

God said to Abram, “Down on your knees, boy!” so Abram dropped.  “I want to talk to you about something.  I got big things in mind.” “What’s that, my Lord?” asked Abram. “What I’m thinking is that I want to put you in charge of everyone in Canaan, so sooner or later you’re going to have to drive all the locals out, I guess.  I want to make you fertile and have a whopping number of children.  You’re going to be the ancestor of kings and nations and the like.  Sound good?” “Sounds good so far, yes.” “All I ask is that you get circumcised…” “I knew there was a catch in there somewhere—“ “Quiet!  Now I’m asking you to get circumcised, and get all your friends to get circumcised, and that you make sure every male who’s eight days old get circumcised.  Otherwise, they’re out.  Get it?” “Sure.  But do You really think the guys are going to go for this circumcision?” “Tell them that I said to do it, and they’ll do anything.  You’d be surprised.  Also: you and the missus are going to have t

Abram and his wife, Sarai, wanted kids but couldn’t have them.  Since there were no fertility clinics anywhere nearby, Sarai decided the only way to save the marriage was to do what would destroy a lesser marriage: Abram was to have sex with the maid.  The maid’s name was Hagar, a lovely name by ancient Egyptian standards, and proved to be much more fertile than Sarai.  Hagar got pregnant quickly and started to get uppity with Sarai.  Sarai blamed Abram, who was in a great position.  He told Sarai, “You told me to sleep with her.  This is all your fault.  I’m blameless.  Now go get me another beer.”  Thus the problem was resolved. Sarai’s problem was not resolved, though, so she dealt with it the best way she knew how: she started heaping abuse on Hagar, who eventually got so fed up with the situation, she ran off.  While running off, a messenger of God appeared before her and told her to go back to work and all the abuse that work entails.  “When my Boss is in a bad mood,” said the

The happy couple on their road trip west of Eden. This is a story that starts with temptation.   However, since it was God who was doing the tempting, no one generally speaks ill of it.   The temptation was this: “Abram, get out of town and I’ll give you a nation that no one will ever speak ill of without suffering for having done so, and that no one will do harm to without suffering for it.”   Since it’s always a good idea to listen to someone who claims that God told him to get a crowd of people together and head out into the desert, Abram had no trouble getting a nice crowd around him.   And at age 75, he was in the prime of his life, all set to wander around the desert. The destination was Canaan, which was to be the land of the Israelites.   The Israelites would be the true inheritors of this land, because no one else was living there.   Except the Canaanites.   At this time, though, the Israelites were still the Hebrews, ready to take the promised land by kicking o