Skip to main content

Genesis 4: The First Family

Image result for cain and abel
Cain and Abel: inventors of sibling rivalry.




Eve had a problem.  She was knocked up by this man, but she wasn’t married.  In fact, she had two boys before out of wedlock, which might have scandalized the rest of her family, if they existed.  The boys grew up with their emotions unchecked, due to their parents carrying around guilt, worrying about social stigma, even though it wasn’t apparent whether society had even been invented yet.  They had issues.  The boys were lucky—they would be able to blame their problems on their parents’ inability to deal with these issues.  Who could their parents blame?

The boys were Cain, who grew up to be a farmer, and Abel, who grew up to be a shepherd.  This meant that come sacrifice time, Abel was in a position to bring more impressive sacrifices to God, since He has always had a thing for lambs.  Cain grew jealous of his younger brother, who Mom always liked best.  And now God.  It was too much to bear.  “Little brother,” suggested Cain one day, “let’s take a walk.”

Once the two brothers had gotten far enough away from all the people (pretty easy to do in those days) Cain killed Abel, and was really in trouble because he couldn’t claim helplessness wrought by endless unsupervised days of Grand Theft Auto games on his Play Station.  God, unomniscient as usual in those days, asked, “Where’s Abel?”

“Dunno,” said Cain.  “It’s not my job to watch him.”

“That’s it,” God said.  “I banished your parents from that nice garden, so now I’ll banish you from this crappy desert.  You’re a fugitive now.  You’re going to wander the earth with a mark on your head.  If anyone sees that mark, they’ll know not to kill you, or else I’ll come after them with more righteous anger than you’ve ever seen.  You just watch.”  God went on, “People need to understand My law.  You don’t kill, but you also don’t kill murderers.  Anyone who follows Me will come to understand that.” 

Cain then married one of those people that God created the week before He created his parents, which led to generations of murderers.  And musicians.  And much later, a mutiny that was named after him.  With the kids out of the house, Eve found herself in a romantic mood again, and Cain’s parents gave him a new little brother, Seth.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Halley's Comet Panic of 1910

If you were around in 1986, you might remember the excitement surrounding the return of Halley’s Comet.  Halley’s Comet hadn’t been seen since 1910, and 76 years later, it was getting ready to make another pass by Earth.  Many who were excited probably wound up feeling a little disappointed. I’ll admit I was. I was sixteen, and was eager to see a bright ball in the sky with a burning tail lighting up the night.  All we got to see was a small, faint, comet-shaped light in the sky. It turned out that in 1986, the comet passed when the Earth was on the other side of the sun, so there wasn’t much to look at. We knew it was coming, though.  We’ve known this since 1705, when Edmond Halley predicted the comet would return on Christmas night, 1758.  Halley died in 1742, so he never got to see that he was correct—but he was correct. Halley’s calculations show that the comet will pass by Earth every 74 to 79 years, and these passes are predictable. When Halley’s Comet isn’t near Earth, …

43-Man Squamish: An Innovation in Athletics

For some people, one of the most tantalizing challenges is being told, explicitly or implicitly, that you can’t do something.  In 1965, MAD magazine writer Tom Koch laid down one such challenge.  He wrote an article laying out the rules of a sport he invented called 43-man squamish.  The article was illustrated by artist George Woodbridge, and judging by the mail MAD received from its readers, it was a huge hit.  Of course, Koch didn’t really intend the article to be a challenge.  His idea was to invent a sport that was complex, convoluted, absurd, and ultimately unplayable.  It featured the kind of text readers of MAD, not athletes, would expect.  It’s an uncommon sport that has instructions like, “The offensive team, upon receiving the Pritz, receives five Snivels in which to advance to the enemy goal.  If they do it on the ground, it’s a Woomik and counts as 17 points.  If they hit it across with their Frullips it’s a Dermish which only counts points.  Only the offensive Niblings a…